Raw

August 25th, 2008, one year ago, I began my journey to become a new person. Although I have been a "christian" (someone who has chosen Jesus Christ's free gift of salvation from the death that all of us must pay, to follow, surrender and give my will to him.) since 5th grade, I have not experienced what God intended me to.
So many years later, I have seen much growth in my walk with Jesus but also a lot of unlearned lessons and sin ruling over me, no real greatness of Jesus using me to draw others to himself. How can it be that God says, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1 and "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5.
I am suppose to live in victory and not walk in shame, fear, guilt, sin, selfishness or anything else that God says marks people who do not accept him. I am a believer so why are these things tearing me down to the point of a shell all worn, broken in multiple places, chipped and trying to fool the world that I am worthy of their admiration, respect and popularity.
I could take this post in many directions but one is my focus: recovery.
God used my children to to bring me to the point of total need for help. My life was out of control. God would not allow me to get up off my feet to continue in my destructive ways, slavery, and addictions.
I walked into a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. I had no idea what was going to happen but I was terrified to go the first night. I did not have an addiciton that everyone could see. I did not even know what issues I did have only that I was out of control.
After the first night I knew I had to go to what they call a step study. (This is a one year intensive meeting where me and a small group of other woman dive totally into our pasts in every level you could imagine. No secrets kept from others, reliving horrible things that happened to us, confronting others who we have hurt and who have hurt us and being real about who we really are.)
Each step was terrifying. When we had to do an inventory (look at every thing we have done in the past, and things done to us good and bad.) of our life and share it with another, I almost wanted to drop out.
Had I quit, I would not have experienced the many blessings God has been itching to give me.
This is the part where I am suppose to say I have a "wonderful life" and all my problems are fixed and I have all the answers that I have been looking for.
WRONG!
Read my post title again. It says raw because that is where my heart is. Recovory is like an onion. You go deeper into the heart of your issues. Like I said God has given me great blessings that are permanent but this was only the beginning. So August 25, 2008 was the real beginning of my choosing to allow God to truly remake me.
Last Thursday I had my first counseling session to go deeper into my recovery. My heart feels like it has been taken all apart. I think God has me laid out on the table and is looking at every atom of my heart and mind. Today, I was so broken and stricken with grief that I got down to the floor, laid flat and cried because I had realized that I had no power to change my additions, to control the bad things I do. I am helpless. I have done everything to change my ways...I have failed every time.
The reality of where I am now and who I am is so sickening to me that I really don't want to look at myself. I want to pretend I am something different. But I cant or my progress will be slowed. It is said that the more pain you allow yourself to experience the greater your recovery will be. I intend to experience so much pain that hopefully my past will be healed, I will not allow sin to rule me, I will live a life so surrendered to Jesus Christ that my joy will be radiating from me and into others.
I hope that by me being so raw with what is going on in my life, I will inspire you to do the same or better yet allow God to truly show you all the richness he is.
Please pray that I will remember to ask God for help, to be truthful, be transparent, be humble, and to do God's will no matter what it costs me.

Blessings in Disguise

So many things happen around me that I don't really realize are blessings. like last weekend it rained really hard for a while Saturday morning. I have been wanting to wash my car for awhile now but not really having money to waste, I had a dirty car. So I had thought about washing my car in the rain before. (You know capitalize on a situation.) So in a moment of clarity, I stuffed the last cinnamon roll in my mouth and dressed for the rain.
Yes, I washed my car in the rain. It was fun. When it finished raining I just quickly rinsed off the black streaks from dirty water. The results-a shiny, streak-free car. (Just like the car wash.) I got my car washed, some exercise, fun with the family who came to play with me in the mud, and a fun adventure.
Or just this past Sunday, I was giving the neighbor girls across the street some things that I had cleaned out of my office that I just did not need anymore and thought they might want it. So they had come wanting to know if we wanted to buy homemade tamales that their mom had just made. They are very good but we did not have any cash so we had to pass. However, I had just thought about the small bag of things I have been wanting to give them and rushed to grab it. I was glad to send it off with them and did not think another thing about it.
Not even 5 minutes later the girls came with 12 hot tamales as a thank you! Totally cool.
This week Taven has been really sick and not doing anything. So most days I usually take about 30-60 mins. to prepare a meal for dinner. However, this week I did not really have to make anything. We got free food, had easy bagged meals that I forgot we had and such. This happened all week long. So cool not to have to worry about making a meal when your little one is sick and you are running to the doctor.
I know that I have had many other blessing that I just cant remember now. They happen all the time. I just wanted to say that God said in his word that, "I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I often (and I do mean often) forget that God want good for me. I think he just wants my life to be hard and to punish me for the sins (wrong things I do) and leave me to my own way of making it in the world. However, when I go back to his word and read what he says, I cant ignore that he has made promises and that he always keeps them.
When I do look back in my life, I can see that he was always there getting me through the mess. Oh, when I was in the thick of my darkness, I felt along very much, but when I got to the other side I could see where God helped me avoid disaster or more pain that I was in.
God's plans are not our plans, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways than our ways. So God may not answer your prayers the way you think he should. God is not flesh, he is spirit and Not bound by time or space. Don't expect Him to answer you in ordinary ways that can be explained. Look for the blessings in the unexpected ways.