Learning

I am scared to be me about 50% of the time. I don't want others to truly know me. What if they don't like me? (This has happened a time or two.) Mostly people don't really want to invest time into anyone. Present company included.
I have been working Celebrate Recovery now for almost a year. I have come to know that life is a process and it will never be "finished" or "be just right." Life will change and so goes the process of finding a new way to live it. This greatly encourages me, scares me, makes me mad, makes me cry, depresses me, gives me hope.
I am now at a new chapter in my life so to speak. I can make some really great changes or choose to stay the same. (This costs a lot.) Out of fear of the unknown I choose to be stifled in staying the same and crawling back into my comfort hole or as I once said, "sit on my old comfortable couches of life." I don't really want to do this anymore but it is REALLY hard.
What to do. I am starting to get the picture that it starts with Jesus, 5:00am, time alone to read, pray, meditate, an attitude of seeing the truth of my reality, admitting it, telling others, stepping out in faith, and trusting God.
I know it's more than that but that's all the puzzle pieces that God's given me right now. (Remember that each of us has our own puzzle that has never been seen or will be seen again. You can only use the pieces God gives you. So stop looking at your friends and envy their. If only I could keep that straight too.) Anyway, I think that it's time to make new friends.
How do you do this? I have some clues but I anticipate some scary things to happen. I will make a friend, not make one, be lonely, be misunderstood, be looked at or talked about like I am crazy,and I am sure many other things. However, I am tired of being alone and complaining about it.So what If God only gives me a friend for a season. HE HAS PROVIDED! I need to stop looking at friendship through the worlds eyes and mine. I need to put on God's glasses to see clearly!
Here I come people! What to make a new friend? (Authentic, transparent, sinful, loving people required!)

Thomas

My husbands love of me still continues to puzzle me. When I continually tried to destroy our marriage, Thomas continued to hold it together. He looked at me like I was the most beautiful creature God had ever created, while I self loathed who I was...damaged.He continued to love without question when I tried to control him and others with my love. He did not flinch when I told him the darkest, scariest, parts of me that no one had ever known... he simply held me speaking love while I cried and then fell asleep. He opens up who he really is to me...the parts that no one gets to see. He encourages me to take risks and be strong when others have babied me and made me feel small. He stood my my side and gave me courage to change and admit who I really was. He would not let me quit the program. Now I stand better for it, I can walk in the truth of who I am. Thomas continues to amaze me as time goes on. We continue to melt into one another, growing old together, trusting one another like never before. All this to say...I must now show more of this kind of love to my husband. He is only human and can only do so much. He needs my understanding, room to heal, grow, and constant love that he once and most of the time lavished on me.
I am so thankful that God chose to use Thomas to show what love really is. I really did not understand until I met Thomas. He gives me a beautiful pictures of Christ's love...