It's just me
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Raw
August 25th, 2008, one year ago, I began my journey to become a new person. Although I have been a "christian" (someone who has chosen Jesus Christ's free gift of salvation from the death that all of us must pay, to follow, surrender and give my will to him.) since 5th grade, I have not experienced what God intended me to.
So many years later, I have seen much growth in my walk with Jesus but also a lot of unlearned lessons and sin ruling over me, no real greatness of Jesus using me to draw others to himself. How can it be that God says, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1 and "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5.
I am suppose to live in victory and not walk in shame, fear, guilt, sin, selfishness or anything else that God says marks people who do not accept him. I am a believer so why are these things tearing me down to the point of a shell all worn, broken in multiple places, chipped and trying to fool the world that I am worthy of their admiration, respect and popularity.
I could take this post in many directions but one is my focus: recovery.
God used my children to to bring me to the point of total need for help. My life was out of control. God would not allow me to get up off my feet to continue in my destructive ways, slavery, and addictions.
I walked into a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. I had no idea what was going to happen but I was terrified to go the first night. I did not have an addiciton that everyone could see. I did not even know what issues I did have only that I was out of control.
After the first night I knew I had to go to what they call a step study. (This is a one year intensive meeting where me and a small group of other woman dive totally into our pasts in every level you could imagine. No secrets kept from others, reliving horrible things that happened to us, confronting others who we have hurt and who have hurt us and being real about who we really are.)
Each step was terrifying. When we had to do an inventory (look at every thing we have done in the past, and things done to us good and bad.) of our life and share it with another, I almost wanted to drop out.
Had I quit, I would not have experienced the many blessings God has been itching to give me.
This is the part where I am suppose to say I have a "wonderful life" and all my problems are fixed and I have all the answers that I have been looking for.
WRONG!
Read my post title again. It says raw because that is where my heart is. Recovory is like an onion. You go deeper into the heart of your issues. Like I said God has given me great blessings that are permanent but this was only the beginning. So August 25, 2008 was the real beginning of my choosing to allow God to truly remake me.
Last Thursday I had my first counseling session to go deeper into my recovery. My heart feels like it has been taken all apart. I think God has me laid out on the table and is looking at every atom of my heart and mind. Today, I was so broken and stricken with grief that I got down to the floor, laid flat and cried because I had realized that I had no power to change my additions, to control the bad things I do. I am helpless. I have done everything to change my ways...I have failed every time.
The reality of where I am now and who I am is so sickening to me that I really don't want to look at myself. I want to pretend I am something different. But I cant or my progress will be slowed. It is said that the more pain you allow yourself to experience the greater your recovery will be. I intend to experience so much pain that hopefully my past will be healed, I will not allow sin to rule me, I will live a life so surrendered to Jesus Christ that my joy will be radiating from me and into others.
I hope that by me being so raw with what is going on in my life, I will inspire you to do the same or better yet allow God to truly show you all the richness he is.
Please pray that I will remember to ask God for help, to be truthful, be transparent, be humble, and to do God's will no matter what it costs me.
So many years later, I have seen much growth in my walk with Jesus but also a lot of unlearned lessons and sin ruling over me, no real greatness of Jesus using me to draw others to himself. How can it be that God says, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1 and "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5.
I am suppose to live in victory and not walk in shame, fear, guilt, sin, selfishness or anything else that God says marks people who do not accept him. I am a believer so why are these things tearing me down to the point of a shell all worn, broken in multiple places, chipped and trying to fool the world that I am worthy of their admiration, respect and popularity.
I could take this post in many directions but one is my focus: recovery.
God used my children to to bring me to the point of total need for help. My life was out of control. God would not allow me to get up off my feet to continue in my destructive ways, slavery, and addictions.
I walked into a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. I had no idea what was going to happen but I was terrified to go the first night. I did not have an addiciton that everyone could see. I did not even know what issues I did have only that I was out of control.
After the first night I knew I had to go to what they call a step study. (This is a one year intensive meeting where me and a small group of other woman dive totally into our pasts in every level you could imagine. No secrets kept from others, reliving horrible things that happened to us, confronting others who we have hurt and who have hurt us and being real about who we really are.)
Each step was terrifying. When we had to do an inventory (look at every thing we have done in the past, and things done to us good and bad.) of our life and share it with another, I almost wanted to drop out.
Had I quit, I would not have experienced the many blessings God has been itching to give me.
This is the part where I am suppose to say I have a "wonderful life" and all my problems are fixed and I have all the answers that I have been looking for.
WRONG!
Read my post title again. It says raw because that is where my heart is. Recovory is like an onion. You go deeper into the heart of your issues. Like I said God has given me great blessings that are permanent but this was only the beginning. So August 25, 2008 was the real beginning of my choosing to allow God to truly remake me.
Last Thursday I had my first counseling session to go deeper into my recovery. My heart feels like it has been taken all apart. I think God has me laid out on the table and is looking at every atom of my heart and mind. Today, I was so broken and stricken with grief that I got down to the floor, laid flat and cried because I had realized that I had no power to change my additions, to control the bad things I do. I am helpless. I have done everything to change my ways...I have failed every time.
The reality of where I am now and who I am is so sickening to me that I really don't want to look at myself. I want to pretend I am something different. But I cant or my progress will be slowed. It is said that the more pain you allow yourself to experience the greater your recovery will be. I intend to experience so much pain that hopefully my past will be healed, I will not allow sin to rule me, I will live a life so surrendered to Jesus Christ that my joy will be radiating from me and into others.
I hope that by me being so raw with what is going on in my life, I will inspire you to do the same or better yet allow God to truly show you all the richness he is.
Please pray that I will remember to ask God for help, to be truthful, be transparent, be humble, and to do God's will no matter what it costs me.
Labels: Status Update
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Blessings in Disguise
So many things happen around me that I don't really realize are blessings. like last weekend it rained really hard for a while Saturday morning. I have been wanting to wash my car for awhile now but not really having money to waste, I had a dirty car. So I had thought about washing my car in the rain before. (You know capitalize on a situation.) So in a moment of clarity, I stuffed the last cinnamon roll in my mouth and dressed for the rain.
Yes, I washed my car in the rain. It was fun. When it finished raining I just quickly rinsed off the black streaks from dirty water. The results-a shiny, streak-free car. (Just like the car wash.) I got my car washed, some exercise, fun with the family who came to play with me in the mud, and a fun adventure.
Or just this past Sunday, I was giving the neighbor girls across the street some things that I had cleaned out of my office that I just did not need anymore and thought they might want it. So they had come wanting to know if we wanted to buy homemade tamales that their mom had just made. They are very good but we did not have any cash so we had to pass. However, I had just thought about the small bag of things I have been wanting to give them and rushed to grab it. I was glad to send it off with them and did not think another thing about it.
Not even 5 minutes later the girls came with 12 hot tamales as a thank you! Totally cool.
This week Taven has been really sick and not doing anything. So most days I usually take about 30-60 mins. to prepare a meal for dinner. However, this week I did not really have to make anything. We got free food, had easy bagged meals that I forgot we had and such. This happened all week long. So cool not to have to worry about making a meal when your little one is sick and you are running to the doctor.
I know that I have had many other blessing that I just cant remember now. They happen all the time. I just wanted to say that God said in his word that, "I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I often (and I do mean often) forget that God want good for me. I think he just wants my life to be hard and to punish me for the sins (wrong things I do) and leave me to my own way of making it in the world. However, when I go back to his word and read what he says, I cant ignore that he has made promises and that he always keeps them.
When I do look back in my life, I can see that he was always there getting me through the mess. Oh, when I was in the thick of my darkness, I felt along very much, but when I got to the other side I could see where God helped me avoid disaster or more pain that I was in.
God's plans are not our plans, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways than our ways. So God may not answer your prayers the way you think he should. God is not flesh, he is spirit and Not bound by time or space. Don't expect Him to answer you in ordinary ways that can be explained. Look for the blessings in the unexpected ways.
Yes, I washed my car in the rain. It was fun. When it finished raining I just quickly rinsed off the black streaks from dirty water. The results-a shiny, streak-free car. (Just like the car wash.) I got my car washed, some exercise, fun with the family who came to play with me in the mud, and a fun adventure.
Or just this past Sunday, I was giving the neighbor girls across the street some things that I had cleaned out of my office that I just did not need anymore and thought they might want it. So they had come wanting to know if we wanted to buy homemade tamales that their mom had just made. They are very good but we did not have any cash so we had to pass. However, I had just thought about the small bag of things I have been wanting to give them and rushed to grab it. I was glad to send it off with them and did not think another thing about it.
Not even 5 minutes later the girls came with 12 hot tamales as a thank you! Totally cool.
This week Taven has been really sick and not doing anything. So most days I usually take about 30-60 mins. to prepare a meal for dinner. However, this week I did not really have to make anything. We got free food, had easy bagged meals that I forgot we had and such. This happened all week long. So cool not to have to worry about making a meal when your little one is sick and you are running to the doctor.
I know that I have had many other blessing that I just cant remember now. They happen all the time. I just wanted to say that God said in his word that, "I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I often (and I do mean often) forget that God want good for me. I think he just wants my life to be hard and to punish me for the sins (wrong things I do) and leave me to my own way of making it in the world. However, when I go back to his word and read what he says, I cant ignore that he has made promises and that he always keeps them.
When I do look back in my life, I can see that he was always there getting me through the mess. Oh, when I was in the thick of my darkness, I felt along very much, but when I got to the other side I could see where God helped me avoid disaster or more pain that I was in.
God's plans are not our plans, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways than our ways. So God may not answer your prayers the way you think he should. God is not flesh, he is spirit and Not bound by time or space. Don't expect Him to answer you in ordinary ways that can be explained. Look for the blessings in the unexpected ways.
Labels: God
Monday, July 20, 2009
Learning
I am scared to be me about 50% of the time. I don't want others to truly know me. What if they don't like me? (This has happened a time or two.) Mostly people don't really want to invest time into anyone. Present company included.
I have been working Celebrate Recovery now for almost a year. I have come to know that life is a process and it will never be "finished" or "be just right." Life will change and so goes the process of finding a new way to live it. This greatly encourages me, scares me, makes me mad, makes me cry, depresses me, gives me hope.
I am now at a new chapter in my life so to speak. I can make some really great changes or choose to stay the same. (This costs a lot.) Out of fear of the unknown I choose to be stifled in staying the same and crawling back into my comfort hole or as I once said, "sit on my old comfortable couches of life." I don't really want to do this anymore but it is REALLY hard.
What to do. I am starting to get the picture that it starts with Jesus, 5:00am, time alone to read, pray, meditate, an attitude of seeing the truth of my reality, admitting it, telling others, stepping out in faith, and trusting God.
I know it's more than that but that's all the puzzle pieces that God's given me right now. (Remember that each of us has our own puzzle that has never been seen or will be seen again. You can only use the pieces God gives you. So stop looking at your friends and envy their. If only I could keep that straight too.) Anyway, I think that it's time to make new friends.
How do you do this? I have some clues but I anticipate some scary things to happen. I will make a friend, not make one, be lonely, be misunderstood, be looked at or talked about like I am crazy,and I am sure many other things. However, I am tired of being alone and complaining about it.So what If God only gives me a friend for a season. HE HAS PROVIDED! I need to stop looking at friendship through the worlds eyes and mine. I need to put on God's glasses to see clearly!
Here I come people! What to make a new friend? (Authentic, transparent, sinful, loving people required!)
I have been working Celebrate Recovery now for almost a year. I have come to know that life is a process and it will never be "finished" or "be just right." Life will change and so goes the process of finding a new way to live it. This greatly encourages me, scares me, makes me mad, makes me cry, depresses me, gives me hope.
I am now at a new chapter in my life so to speak. I can make some really great changes or choose to stay the same. (This costs a lot.) Out of fear of the unknown I choose to be stifled in staying the same and crawling back into my comfort hole or as I once said, "sit on my old comfortable couches of life." I don't really want to do this anymore but it is REALLY hard.
What to do. I am starting to get the picture that it starts with Jesus, 5:00am, time alone to read, pray, meditate, an attitude of seeing the truth of my reality, admitting it, telling others, stepping out in faith, and trusting God.
I know it's more than that but that's all the puzzle pieces that God's given me right now. (Remember that each of us has our own puzzle that has never been seen or will be seen again. You can only use the pieces God gives you. So stop looking at your friends and envy their. If only I could keep that straight too.) Anyway, I think that it's time to make new friends.
How do you do this? I have some clues but I anticipate some scary things to happen. I will make a friend, not make one, be lonely, be misunderstood, be looked at or talked about like I am crazy,and I am sure many other things. However, I am tired of being alone and complaining about it.So what If God only gives me a friend for a season. HE HAS PROVIDED! I need to stop looking at friendship through the worlds eyes and mine. I need to put on God's glasses to see clearly!
Here I come people! What to make a new friend? (Authentic, transparent, sinful, loving people required!)
Labels: Me
Thomas
My husbands love of me still continues to puzzle me. When I continually tried to destroy our marriage, Thomas continued to hold it together. He looked at me like I was the most beautiful creature God had ever created, while I self loathed who I was...damaged.He continued to love without question when I tried to control him and others with my love. He did not flinch when I told him the darkest, scariest, parts of me that no one had ever known... he simply held me speaking love while I cried and then fell asleep. He opens up who he really is to me...the parts that no one gets to see. He encourages me to take risks and be strong when others have babied me and made me feel small. He stood my my side and gave me courage to change and admit who I really was. He would not let me quit the program. Now I stand better for it, I can walk in the truth of who I am. Thomas continues to amaze me as time goes on. We continue to melt into one another, growing old together, trusting one another like never before. All this to say...I must now show more of this kind of love to my husband. He is only human and can only do so much. He needs my understanding, room to heal, grow, and constant love that he once and most of the time lavished on me.
I am so thankful that God chose to use Thomas to show what love really is. I really did not understand until I met Thomas. He gives me a beautiful pictures of Christ's love...
I am so thankful that God chose to use Thomas to show what love really is. I really did not understand until I met Thomas. He gives me a beautiful pictures of Christ's love...
Labels: My Husband
Sunday, May 24, 2009
And they grow
My oldest son, T, is showing so much growth. He will be 3 in June. Wow, it flies and can go by so slow. He is starting to do what we ask for the most part without a melt down. (Partly due to age and the new parenting classes we just finished.) He says stuff like, "ok, I will do it." Or, "Ok, I am coming." (in a really cute voice.)
Oh, and subtle manipulation is a new one. Our conversation goes something like this.
Me: No T, you cant have that cracker, you are all done.
T: Ok, I will eat that cracker. (In a voice that is defeated and compliant.)
I cant believe they start so early. The potty training is seeming to drag on and on. It will be almost 6 months now since we started. UUUGGGG. I think we are going to up him in the underwear soon and let him get all wet. I think I'm waiting for that magical day when Thomas and I will have nothing to do but help T all day with potty training. It's not coming...
My youngest, B, has till recently been all about mommy. However, daddy is becoming someone of interest over mommy sometimes. T did the same thing and never came back. Daddy is his fav. Of course I do stay home all day with the boys... I do know that it is good for them to bond with daddy, but it would be nice for T to want me over daddy every once in a while.
B is now walking, 3 weeks strong. And eating table food better. (Whatever we are having between 2 pieces of buttered bread.)
Well, off to the races as we close another year for our oldest!
Oh, and subtle manipulation is a new one. Our conversation goes something like this.
Me: No T, you cant have that cracker, you are all done.
T: Ok, I will eat that cracker. (In a voice that is defeated and compliant.)
I cant believe they start so early. The potty training is seeming to drag on and on. It will be almost 6 months now since we started. UUUGGGG. I think we are going to up him in the underwear soon and let him get all wet. I think I'm waiting for that magical day when Thomas and I will have nothing to do but help T all day with potty training. It's not coming...
My youngest, B, has till recently been all about mommy. However, daddy is becoming someone of interest over mommy sometimes. T did the same thing and never came back. Daddy is his fav. Of course I do stay home all day with the boys... I do know that it is good for them to bond with daddy, but it would be nice for T to want me over daddy every once in a while.
B is now walking, 3 weeks strong. And eating table food better. (Whatever we are having between 2 pieces of buttered bread.)
Well, off to the races as we close another year for our oldest!
Labels: Kids
Monday, May 18, 2009
Hi
It's just me...melisa. I am many things but most of all I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I cant believe that he allows me to call myself a christian. Sometimes I find myself moving no more than a few inches in a year on the straight and narrow path that God calls us all too. I keep getting caught among the lemonade stands, pretty flowers, and old couches of life-the path that is very wide and just over the hill from God's path.
Before this year I would have wallowed in my own choices and pretend that I was getting Jesus' help to get up once I have fallen, but I know the truth now. I just sat there, trying to find a way to pay for my own sins, denying that I wanted things my own way, and would play my card of, life is not fair. However, today God brought me to the place where I could no longer deny who I was, where I was, what bags I had been carrying and the ugly truth of it all.
I had a choice to make. Sit and never move past the mountain or start climbing. In August of 2008, I chose to climb. I started working a program called Celebrate Recovery. God used it to change my life.
Last Thursday was my last step study meeting. It is amazing how much our past effects who we are now, what glasses we see the world through and how sick our minds and bodies get from holding old moldy baggage.
Did I have an abusive childhood? Was I taken advantage of physically, or grow up across the railroad tracks? No. I grew up in the average little town, moved around, had parents who loved me the best they knew, and really am innocent when it comes to the bad things of this world. This did not exempt me from having baggage too.
Don't get me wrong. My life is not perfect AT ALL, still very far from it. (As of right now my husband and I are having words...) It just means that I dumped a load of baggage off with Jesus, picked up a few new tools, and a new understanding of what it means to NOT be perfect.
Before this year I would have wallowed in my own choices and pretend that I was getting Jesus' help to get up once I have fallen, but I know the truth now. I just sat there, trying to find a way to pay for my own sins, denying that I wanted things my own way, and would play my card of, life is not fair. However, today God brought me to the place where I could no longer deny who I was, where I was, what bags I had been carrying and the ugly truth of it all.
I had a choice to make. Sit and never move past the mountain or start climbing. In August of 2008, I chose to climb. I started working a program called Celebrate Recovery. God used it to change my life.
Last Thursday was my last step study meeting. It is amazing how much our past effects who we are now, what glasses we see the world through and how sick our minds and bodies get from holding old moldy baggage.
Did I have an abusive childhood? Was I taken advantage of physically, or grow up across the railroad tracks? No. I grew up in the average little town, moved around, had parents who loved me the best they knew, and really am innocent when it comes to the bad things of this world. This did not exempt me from having baggage too.
Don't get me wrong. My life is not perfect AT ALL, still very far from it. (As of right now my husband and I are having words...) It just means that I dumped a load of baggage off with Jesus, picked up a few new tools, and a new understanding of what it means to NOT be perfect.
Labels: Me
