All bad things must come to an end

Well, I think it is time to say goodbye. I have been feeling for sometime that the hurricane I held inside me for most of my life has just died out. That hurricane was my past. I have since gone through all my junk that crippled who Jesus meant me to be in him. While there will still be storms, I am sure, but none from the past that Satan or myself can hold me with any longer.
I was freed a long time ago by Jesus but recently let go of the ones that I still tried to be shackled too. I feel different about life now. I see differently. I am no longer fractured parts that I have tried to piece together to show everyone that, "look everyone, I am great, my life is great." I let them fall to the floor about 1 1/2 ago.
I just kept leaving them there and then Jesus came and picked them up. Although there were parts of me that were never going to be the same and what some would say always broken, Jesus said that he could make me something different, something better, something beautiful. Who would think that once something was broken it could be more beautiful than it once was?
So that is what Jesus has been doing. It was a process. I am still in process. It was slow at times because I tried to take back the pieces Jesus was using because I did not believe he could really do it.
Although I do not completely understand it, the bible says that for those of us who have given up our lives to Christ, we are a new creation. Although we still sin and often do, we are seen prefect, complete, by God because of Jesus, his blood covers us.
So all this to say, Jesus picked up all my fractured pieces that I tried to fool everyone else with. He made me into what he said he would. Beautiful, complete and perfect. I love life now and try to live in the moment of everyday now. I am learning to enjoy everything.
While I will always do things that are wrong, fall down, get hurt, be sad...these things are not a forever weight anymore. I am free.
So here is my final challenge to all of you. Have you truely worked through your past? You cant be everything God made you to be if you have not. You are lying to yourself and will waste your life pretending. It really is never to late even if you only have a short time to experience the peace of the complete you.
There are many places for help. I emphasize Christian help. Someone who helps you use the tools of the bible. I do suggest Celebrate Recovery as it really goes deep. I have also used counseling. I still have one but now she helps me learn how to do life in the here and now. We are working towards me gaining tools so that someday soon I can use them on my own without her help. I am also really leaning into real friends. I am done with the light friendships that leave you wanting something more.
Most of all, I have dug into Jesus. You cant change without him...true lasting change that is real. I am starting a new blog http://tmasman.com/melisa/

Hope to see you reading me there!
With all the love Jesus gives me,
melisa

Change

As I have looked at my life over the past two months, I have seen something. I am changed. I am leading a Celebrate Recovery group and we are about finished with book 1. I was looking over the answers I had previously as I did each lesson and saw that I no longer carry those old burdens. While some still are a thorn in my side, they are not longer a secret, deep gaping whole that oozed of loathing, self hatred, depression, ugly. A denial of who I really was. I was a fake just like most everyone is who tries to hide that they are just as messed up as the rest of us.
I found that like most everyone, most of our issues come from childhood. While I was raised in a christian home with loving parents, I could not escape other peoples sins that cut me or my human sinful flesh that damaged my core. So I found that I needed to dive deep and really look at me. It was very sacry, painful and I had to take the mask off I most of all I could clearly see what I really had become. I stopped running and sat for a while. Then I let God move me. I did not try to fix me, but came to the understanding of the truth that I cant fix anything. God can fix me and I must ask the Holy Spirt living in me to help me. I had to give up me pride and selfish ambitions.
The process of all this began August 25th, 2008. While I have seen healing and change occur all along, it was not until now that I realized that I am done with certain issues and I am not living in the past. While there is some issues that need some loving care right now, I am no longer tied to the past that killed my present and future. I can see how God has changed me in my actions towards others and myself. I am living out the things that Jesus teaches in the bible, most of the time. I am having more joy and confidence. And every now and then I am overflowing into someone else s cup. I look forward as I give more and more of my self away. As I am learning that, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. " Philippians 1:21

Your junk my treasure

It's funny how we Americans look at something we are done with. We either throw it away or give it away. Most people with comfortable lives just throw it away or give it to "the needy." Well that concept is funny to me now.
I started out throwing stuff away, having a garage sale (which I would never be caught dead shopping at one before we moved to Haltom City) or giving it to the needy (You know those people who live in the trashy part of town with nothing but what we give them). God really changed this concept for me. We once got this computer desk free from my work gently used. When we were done with it we put it by the garbage dump. We lived in apartments at the time and that same day we were going somewhere and siting at the light in the back of a truck was our old computer desk. The one meant for the dump. We knew it was ours by the missing parts.
We were so jazzed by this. How cool someone else found it useful. Fast forward 3 years. Most of our out door toys, and chairs are from someones trash pile that they were getting rid of. We also pulled out a wooden bench that we have totally stripped down and replaced any material with new. Old picture frames that we still need to refinish.
We now trash dive. It's not really diving because in part of town people leave things they don't want on the curb for others to take. We dont like to waste and so we keep passing it around. I love that we do it and now I cant stand that somethings will go to the trash dump it even a part of it can be used. It's called recycle, not wasting. sharing, another man's treasure.

Since you've been gone

Time really goes fast. As you can see I am not consistent in blogging. I don't always feel that I have important stuff to share. However, I think that I want to change that thinking. I want to write about anything from heavy to very funny. So here I go.
Since I last wrote lots of things have happened. I changed my face care regimen. Yikes! Was on Proactive and it was working ok but not great anymore. So I decided to go natural. Grapeseed oil, witch hazel, lemons, apple cider vinegar a clay mask a make myself. This all ended in a pepperoni pizza look all over. I now am trying to correct it with products from Origins in the mall.
Then there is the on going counseling. I am moving beyond some childhood yuck and it is starting to sit well with my soul. In other words I am growing and allowing Jesus to heal my wounds that have festered for so long. I am learning to communicate without getting very angry and lashing out, although it still happends often. I am finding that siting in the reality of who I am can be very uncomfortable but is still worth what I will become, what Jesus sees me as-the finished product.
Right now I have dropped my life on the floor. It has become unmanageable again. I am not sure how I am going to pick it up with Jesus and not leave Him behind. I want to just fix it like always...I always try different ways, fooling myself that it will be different this time and everything will fall in place. But I know from 31 years of doing this that it has NEVER worked. So why do I think that this is the one time it will work? That is human flesh I guess.
I am learning right now about David in 2 Samuel. He took another mans wife to bed and then killed her husband. So after seeing that he, David, made a wrong against God, he confessed his sin and was forgiven. HOWEVER, this part is what has me reeling. What we sow in the flesh will be reaped in the flesh. What we sow in the spirit will be reaped in the spirit. All that to say if I do something wrong and confess to God my sin, I am forgiven. BUT that does not stop what I already started, it will continue to harvest.
This concept has me a bit messed up. OK really messed up. In Celebrate Recovery and in the bible they talk about how I cant really do anything that lasts on my own. I am sinful, imperfect man and God can only help me. But in that lies the irony. So in essence I will reap something that I cant really help in the beginning. I know that God will work this out in me but right now I am confussed and wrestling with God on this.

Raw

August 25th, 2008, one year ago, I began my journey to become a new person. Although I have been a "christian" (someone who has chosen Jesus Christ's free gift of salvation from the death that all of us must pay, to follow, surrender and give my will to him.) since 5th grade, I have not experienced what God intended me to.
So many years later, I have seen much growth in my walk with Jesus but also a lot of unlearned lessons and sin ruling over me, no real greatness of Jesus using me to draw others to himself. How can it be that God says, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1 and "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5.
I am suppose to live in victory and not walk in shame, fear, guilt, sin, selfishness or anything else that God says marks people who do not accept him. I am a believer so why are these things tearing me down to the point of a shell all worn, broken in multiple places, chipped and trying to fool the world that I am worthy of their admiration, respect and popularity.
I could take this post in many directions but one is my focus: recovery.
God used my children to to bring me to the point of total need for help. My life was out of control. God would not allow me to get up off my feet to continue in my destructive ways, slavery, and addictions.
I walked into a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery. I had no idea what was going to happen but I was terrified to go the first night. I did not have an addiciton that everyone could see. I did not even know what issues I did have only that I was out of control.
After the first night I knew I had to go to what they call a step study. (This is a one year intensive meeting where me and a small group of other woman dive totally into our pasts in every level you could imagine. No secrets kept from others, reliving horrible things that happened to us, confronting others who we have hurt and who have hurt us and being real about who we really are.)
Each step was terrifying. When we had to do an inventory (look at every thing we have done in the past, and things done to us good and bad.) of our life and share it with another, I almost wanted to drop out.
Had I quit, I would not have experienced the many blessings God has been itching to give me.
This is the part where I am suppose to say I have a "wonderful life" and all my problems are fixed and I have all the answers that I have been looking for.
WRONG!
Read my post title again. It says raw because that is where my heart is. Recovory is like an onion. You go deeper into the heart of your issues. Like I said God has given me great blessings that are permanent but this was only the beginning. So August 25, 2008 was the real beginning of my choosing to allow God to truly remake me.
Last Thursday I had my first counseling session to go deeper into my recovery. My heart feels like it has been taken all apart. I think God has me laid out on the table and is looking at every atom of my heart and mind. Today, I was so broken and stricken with grief that I got down to the floor, laid flat and cried because I had realized that I had no power to change my additions, to control the bad things I do. I am helpless. I have done everything to change my ways...I have failed every time.
The reality of where I am now and who I am is so sickening to me that I really don't want to look at myself. I want to pretend I am something different. But I cant or my progress will be slowed. It is said that the more pain you allow yourself to experience the greater your recovery will be. I intend to experience so much pain that hopefully my past will be healed, I will not allow sin to rule me, I will live a life so surrendered to Jesus Christ that my joy will be radiating from me and into others.
I hope that by me being so raw with what is going on in my life, I will inspire you to do the same or better yet allow God to truly show you all the richness he is.
Please pray that I will remember to ask God for help, to be truthful, be transparent, be humble, and to do God's will no matter what it costs me.

Blessings in Disguise

So many things happen around me that I don't really realize are blessings. like last weekend it rained really hard for a while Saturday morning. I have been wanting to wash my car for awhile now but not really having money to waste, I had a dirty car. So I had thought about washing my car in the rain before. (You know capitalize on a situation.) So in a moment of clarity, I stuffed the last cinnamon roll in my mouth and dressed for the rain.
Yes, I washed my car in the rain. It was fun. When it finished raining I just quickly rinsed off the black streaks from dirty water. The results-a shiny, streak-free car. (Just like the car wash.) I got my car washed, some exercise, fun with the family who came to play with me in the mud, and a fun adventure.
Or just this past Sunday, I was giving the neighbor girls across the street some things that I had cleaned out of my office that I just did not need anymore and thought they might want it. So they had come wanting to know if we wanted to buy homemade tamales that their mom had just made. They are very good but we did not have any cash so we had to pass. However, I had just thought about the small bag of things I have been wanting to give them and rushed to grab it. I was glad to send it off with them and did not think another thing about it.
Not even 5 minutes later the girls came with 12 hot tamales as a thank you! Totally cool.
This week Taven has been really sick and not doing anything. So most days I usually take about 30-60 mins. to prepare a meal for dinner. However, this week I did not really have to make anything. We got free food, had easy bagged meals that I forgot we had and such. This happened all week long. So cool not to have to worry about making a meal when your little one is sick and you are running to the doctor.
I know that I have had many other blessing that I just cant remember now. They happen all the time. I just wanted to say that God said in his word that, "I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I often (and I do mean often) forget that God want good for me. I think he just wants my life to be hard and to punish me for the sins (wrong things I do) and leave me to my own way of making it in the world. However, when I go back to his word and read what he says, I cant ignore that he has made promises and that he always keeps them.
When I do look back in my life, I can see that he was always there getting me through the mess. Oh, when I was in the thick of my darkness, I felt along very much, but when I got to the other side I could see where God helped me avoid disaster or more pain that I was in.
God's plans are not our plans, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways than our ways. So God may not answer your prayers the way you think he should. God is not flesh, he is spirit and Not bound by time or space. Don't expect Him to answer you in ordinary ways that can be explained. Look for the blessings in the unexpected ways.

Learning

I am scared to be me about 50% of the time. I don't want others to truly know me. What if they don't like me? (This has happened a time or two.) Mostly people don't really want to invest time into anyone. Present company included.
I have been working Celebrate Recovery now for almost a year. I have come to know that life is a process and it will never be "finished" or "be just right." Life will change and so goes the process of finding a new way to live it. This greatly encourages me, scares me, makes me mad, makes me cry, depresses me, gives me hope.
I am now at a new chapter in my life so to speak. I can make some really great changes or choose to stay the same. (This costs a lot.) Out of fear of the unknown I choose to be stifled in staying the same and crawling back into my comfort hole or as I once said, "sit on my old comfortable couches of life." I don't really want to do this anymore but it is REALLY hard.
What to do. I am starting to get the picture that it starts with Jesus, 5:00am, time alone to read, pray, meditate, an attitude of seeing the truth of my reality, admitting it, telling others, stepping out in faith, and trusting God.
I know it's more than that but that's all the puzzle pieces that God's given me right now. (Remember that each of us has our own puzzle that has never been seen or will be seen again. You can only use the pieces God gives you. So stop looking at your friends and envy their. If only I could keep that straight too.) Anyway, I think that it's time to make new friends.
How do you do this? I have some clues but I anticipate some scary things to happen. I will make a friend, not make one, be lonely, be misunderstood, be looked at or talked about like I am crazy,and I am sure many other things. However, I am tired of being alone and complaining about it.So what If God only gives me a friend for a season. HE HAS PROVIDED! I need to stop looking at friendship through the worlds eyes and mine. I need to put on God's glasses to see clearly!
Here I come people! What to make a new friend? (Authentic, transparent, sinful, loving people required!)